Overcoming fear

The day had finally arrived and everything seemed to be going way too fast for it to register in my brain. I was not thinking clearly as i heard a familiar voice blaring over the speakers. The Principal. Had his voice always been this squeaky? 

I felt my stream of thoughts drift away to insignificant things. This was one of the defense mechanisms i had developed against stress which worked wonders to a certain degree. My hands felt numb and i looked down to realize i was clenching my fists. A quick turn towards the array of seats behind me to notice any familiar faces. None. I had to do this alone and this time, there was no out. 

I told myself that it is not a big deal, it is just one of those many fears that i have to overcome and it would be best if i try not to fret about it and end up making a fool of myself on the stage. Embarrassment. The thought of it made me shudder. A lot of people have over come their fear by facing it, i told myself, so just do it.

An entire week seemed to have passed by the time i was called on to the stage. I wished i would dissociate into another personality, one that could deal with facing an audience. I really hoped something of that sort happened, just as long as my prophecy of making a complete fool of myself would not come true. No such luck that day.

The stage was too bright, i could barely see the audience. I tried hard not to squint as i cursed my sensitive eyes. The optician was right about my eyes being unhealthy; I wonder how those pupil-dilating fluids work? FOCUS. Had i dissociated yet? Had another personailty taken over? I tried to remember events from my childhood. Nope, still the same personality. Dang. 

With no other option left, i took out my little sheet of paper on which i had written my speech. Is it just me or is this stage burning hot? I dint remember writing the speech with a fountain pen. Why were the words shrinking in size? Should i start reading, yet? Or do i wait for a couple of minutes more? Why does everything have to be so quiet around here? A little bit of music would not hurt anyone. I have always liked the thought of a background music.

Taking a long breath, i promised myself that i would not ruin this. I held the speech firmly in my hands and began to read, ignoring the audience. I was told that this trick works wonders in situations so i gave it a shot since i dint have many options at that time, really.

A good couple of minutes later, i looked up. I had done it, i had read out my entire speech and it did not take as much time as i thought it would. I did it, with no mistakes, no stammering and no pausing. There was no standing ovation but i felt good; i felt the people giving me a huge round of applause, all in my head. As i got off the stage, i realized, sometimes all a person needs is that one tiny push to overcome a fear.

I remember going home that night and marking Stage Fear off my list.

Psychoanalytic theory of selfishness

 One of the main plus points of studying Psychology is that it broadens your perspective and makes you realize that there are all kinds of people in the world- the friendly ones, the shy, the bold, the hyper. In recent times, i have been trying to figure out what is it in a person that moulds them to be who they are. Freud's theory worked wonders in helping me with this, (to some degree) that the outward behavior is influenced by the unconscious. So, it is something in the environment or some event that has taken place in the life of the individual that makes him acquire certain distinct characteristics. For example, a girl who was physically abused during childhood, tends to develop hatred against men. But this does not explain selfishness wherein people talk about a certain event just to make another person feel terrible about it, or to rub it in their face. Guess it makes them feel good about it, but what ever happened to the conscience of these people? Do they not feel guilty for going that? Or don't they know what they are doing?

What i haven't been able to figure out so far is what exactly makes a person be selfish? Being possessive is one thing, but there are people who talk to you only when they need your help, or else, your existence does not matter to them; they are with you as long as they feel they need you and the minute they meet someone new or someone who they feel are better than you, they do not even give you a glance. None of the theories on personality have been helpful in stating a reason for this; it cant be an acquired trait because it does not classify as a basic feeling so how could one acquire it or learn it from the environment unless, a child is taught to put his needs first and not give a thought about anything else? I am sure no parent would invoke that feeling in their child. So, it's not a learnt trait, does not fit the social theory, is definitely is not explained in the Humanistic Approach, then what is it. I think i just confused myself. :|

Apparently, I happen to be blessed in meeting a good lot of such people and since i am the only one who seems to see this trait of theirs, i am getting bored. I need a variation, a different trait to break my head upon. Selfishness is getting plain monotonous and annoying.